2009

I'm not even sure where 2009 has gone. It has been a whirlwind year for me - so much beauty and goodness swirling all around me while I try to find my balance and face my fears with grace. This has often been a struggle. It has been a year of learning, growing, expanding, trusting. It is a year I never would have had if Gisele did not have strabismus. For this I am grateful.

I was so frequently thrown off center. I had to reconnect with the deepest and truest part of me to stay breathing and being a mama and a wife. I meditated to feel the power of the universe that resides within all of us. I meditated to remember who I truly am and to imagine what I can be.

I have made my world smaller and deeper. I have focused my energy on my family and a handful of friends that I'm not sure how I ever did without. I have made deeper connections with my community. I have embraced a simple life - of love, of learning and being pulled towards the divine.

My people have all grown so much as well. Graham is in a completely different place - he goes to work each day with purpose and dedication, convinced that he will make a difference in people's lives. He has learned that by not eating certain foods, he can make himself stronger, wiser and kinder and tries to make this his daily practice. Gianluca is growing confident and secure. He amazes us with his curiosity, his funny stories and the love he has for his family. And Gisele - she is a little bundle of love and fun. Her favourite discussion is how she will grow us more people to love: sisters for me, Graham and herself and a brother for Gianluca. She also wants to grow a Papa for me because my Papa is with God. These children are magic.

And the world outside is magic as well. The rooftops, streets and gardens are covered with snow. Graham has taken the children outside to toboggan on the hills and I'm on a mission to sew my children pajama bottoms. If you are reading this, you might want to send a prayer or two my way, since Gisele's pajama bottoms somehow have ended up a couple of sizes larger than her older brothers...

Merry Christmas

For as long as I can remember, I've had an intensely personal relationship with God/the Universe/the divine. I never remember a time where God did not exist in my life. I have always felt loved, protected and special because of this relationship. My mom taught me the Sikh prayers and we did them just before I went to sleep. I found them comforting, but not necessary because my conversations with God were so much more fantastical than the prayers that I did not understand. When I got older and understood the meaning of the prayers, their beauty took my breath away. But when I was young, I only needed my thoughts and stories to engage with the divine.

Now I listen to my children talk about God and I love how their relationship with 'God' grows. Gisele wakes me up in the middle of the night to share with me her conversations with God. Last night it was apparently Meneer van Assen's birthday. Meneer van Assen was our elderly neighbour that passed away this past summer. He was a lovely soul and was so kind with the neighbourhood children. We attended his funeral and the children love remembering him. Last night, at about 3:30am, Gisele woke me up to tell me what he was doing and how he was celebrating his birthday with God. I believe there was ice cream. She also says her children, Coollah and Shamiz, have been visiting God and will be staying there for a while for a play date. Nanu (my father who passed away before both of my children were born) is a constant feature in her stories and questions about God.

Gianluca seems to be in a bit of a competition with God. He asks me who I think loves me the most. I tell him that I think God is pure love energy and God loves everyone the most. He disagrees and tells me that HE loves me more than God does and even if HE is mad at me, HE still loves me more than God could ever love me. I'm happy with either scenario.

There will be lots of stories about God, Jesus and angels today while we celebrate this special day. Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas.