Growing

A few days ago Gisele had her 4th febrile convulsion. I thought she had grown out of them, since it had been almost 2 years since her last one. Her febrile convulsions had crippled me emotionally as a mother. I was fearful of everything, especially of losing her or her brother. When she later developed strabismus, it was enough to push me over the edge. I was seriously depressed and often spent parts of the day in tears, afraid that I would outlive my children.

And then most of last year was spent in prayer and meditation. Often times late into the night. I asked to be strong again - full of faith and trust in the universe. I asked for help to change my perspective. I wanted perfection, and I was so busy with following that dream, that I could not enjoy what was right in front of me. Two wonderfully healthy delicious children that I got to spend all my days with. An amazing life partner that was always there holding my hand and whispering that it would all be okay.

I went to therapy and talked about my anxieties and fears. I talked to Graham, to my mom and brothers, to my family and friends, to my neighbours, to strangers. I read books that inspired me and I continued praying and meditating. I knew I still needed a big emotional boost so I went back home to Canada to let my mom, family and friends take care of me. And they did.

Now I feel strong. I continue to pray and meditate, but more importantly be grateful for all our blessings. I know I am healthy and I know that our children are healthy. Last week when Gisele had her convulsion, I knew she would be okay. We would all be okay. I would not fall apart and I would be a good mother. And I am.

Imagination

Gianluca is fascinated with Spiderman and trying to figure out how to walk on walls. He's tried using spit, gobs of scotch tape, anything sticky really, and has even asked for glue, but both Graham and I have been uncooperative with that one.

And then last week he made a discovery underneath a bridge in the center of the city that has made his spiderman dreams come true.

We went to the Volkenkunde Museum to see the Waka (a Maori canoe) set sail. Maori artists had been carving the Waka this summer out of a single kauri tree, which was about 700 years old. We had visited them several times to just watch them work. So we were excited to see the Waka set sail. When we got there, it was incredibly crowded. We found a spot across the water just underneath the bridge and settled in with some good friends.

When Gianluca saw the wall underneath the bridge, his face spread into an enormous smile. His eyes got big and he looked like he was going to explode with excitement. It was curved - you could walk on it and even run on it. You could run up high, or run really fast down below. I was less excited, since down below was the water, but Gianluca had found another magical spot in Leiden.

And whenever his eyes twinkle and see him break out into a spontaneous smile, I sort of suspect he's waiting for his next trip down to the curved wall underneath the bridge.

My mirror...

Our little girl just turned 4. She is beautiful and magical and so completely honest. She loves being the center of attention and loves to charm people. When things don't go her way, she reacts immediately to 'correct' the situation. Mostly she is happy spending her time playing with her brother, her friends, and us, spending hours in imaginary worlds. She is affectionate and cares deeply about those in her life. Once in a while she decides things must be a certain way and goes full speed ahead, ignoring all requests to stop. She celebrated her birthday by breaking a glass (by accident), pouring water and soap over the bathroom floor, insisting that Gianluca did absolutely everything that she asked because it was her birthday after all, and then drawing all over the table with her crayons. At that point, I lost my patience and threatened to draw with crayons all over her pretty dresses and her new pink crown that I had just lovingly hand made for her. She looked at me thoughtfully and tilted her head and said, 'you know Mama, you're being just like the stepsisters (from Cinderalla)'. And I was. I love that she is always, always my mirror. Whenever I am off course, she gently nudges me back.