my dad

My dad would have been 67 today. He left us at 57. I miss him. I wish I was more like him.

He was an amazing parent. The children in our family adored him - me, my brothers, my cousins. He had a huge heart. He made us feel loved and special. One beautiful ability he had was to let me be all stressed, worried and agitated and not take on any of those emotions himself. He remained calm and lighthearted and I would eventually breathe in some of his calmness and become peaceful myself. I wish I knew how to do this better with my own children. I wish my dad was around to help me learn. I tend to soak in my children's hurt, worry and agitation and make it my own. When I do this, there is no safe place for any of us to go to.

I'm getting better at it, but I wish I could ask him how he managed to do to it so gracefully for my entire life.

He was the most special person in my world. He was my safe place.

My cousin wrote him this poem in the last days of his life. He was trying to find a way to deal with the grief of losing his uncle. Dad was weak from lung cancer and couldn't read the poem himself. We took turns reading it because we couldn't manage more than a few words each, before we soaked in the sadness and hurt of losing him and lost our voices in our tears.

For the one that matters most

What you mean to me I have never been able to say
And I probably won't even be able to write
But having any thoughts of losing you makes me very weak
And I know you wouldn't want that
So God and I have decided to do magic
And I'm going to keep you with me always
And I will never lose you
I want to tell you my God's name
His name is Truth
And I believe He is out there
I think He hides a lot
And sometimes He stands right in front of you
And you don't even see Him
If I know He is there
I know I can find Him
I will always try to see His ways
And I will always try to figure Him out
It's a game of hide and seek
And one day I hope to catch Him
Since He is my God no one can take Him away from me
And if I hold Him close to me
He will never go far
Someone might think me wrong
But that is no matter I still believe
You told me to go see John because he will change my life
But my life has already been changed by you
You say John has clear vision
And he sees things in a different light
But what I get from you is much more important
Than what he could give me
And that's love
You are the most special person in my family
And in times of darkness when I need to see clearly
You are my flashlight
I am a better person because I know you
And I am stronger because I love you
I think about you more than you know
And I love you more than you know
And I needed you to know that
Our time on this planet might not be forever
But your time in my heart is forever

Thank you dad for being who you were. Thank you for filling my life with so much happiness, that I still have so much left over even though you're not with me. When I walk by Gianluca or Gisele and kiss them on the head and whisper a blessing, I remember all the times you did that to me. Whether I was 3 or 23. When they walk into the room and my whole being shines with love, I remember walking into the room and you shining with love when you saw me. You made me feel cherished. You made us all feel cherished. Every time I do something to help someone else, I remember you telling me that it's the secret to happiness. Sometimes I feel like you're living through me when I parent the children. When I put my hands on their beautiful faces, I see your beautiful hands. When I make them laugh, I hear you laughing with us. I remember all the laughter you brought into our lives.

I hope I'm able to fill my children's lives with as much love and magic as you filled my life with.

I will always, always, always love you.

Touchstones

One of the blogs I read for fun is Design Mom. She writes on where design and motherhood intersect. This got me wondering about my posts. It seems to me that I get most inspired when I write where motherhood and spirituality intersect.

To keep my cup full, I invite three friends over each day. They are not real friends, but virtual friends who remind me to stay connected to the parts of me that are most important. Their good advice keeps me balanced and calm and they have become my touchstones.

A Note from the Universe arrives in my inbox with a message on how to better connect with myself.

Just Add Light and Stir inspires me to be a better mother to my children.

Daily Marriage Moats connects me to my love for Graham and his love for me.

I smile every time I receive one. Each email is a gift that reminds me to live in the present moment and helps my spirit grow.

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p.s. Gisele's surgery went well and she was fantastic.

Practice

We have now officially cancelled 4 surgeries. We've been ready and willing, but Gisele has been unwell before three of the surgeries. One was cancelled because I was still recovering from strep throat and a torn chest muscle. I wanted to be strong enough to carry her.

Now we're in June and it feels like we've already been through 4 surgeries. I wouldn't have thought that was a good thing, but it feels like I've made a breakthrough. The surgery is starting to feel light and breezy, not scary like before. We talked to Gisele's surgeon, who is a lovely woman, and she has now given Gisele multiple surgery dates in July, one in August and several in September. She'll be well on one of those days and then we'll have the surgery and all will be well.

In the meantime, I will continue to practice mindfulness, calmness and serenity. Gisele will continue to be her usual self - practicing joy, happiness and laughter.

Scarlet Fever

What a beautiful name for something not so beautiful. We've all been ill this week. Gianluca and I are on antibiotics, but I still feel unwell and have an unrelenting cough and a muscle cramp from all that coughing. Gisele had a high fever, and as soon as she was better, Gianluca developed a high fever. Before he had a chance to recover, both Graham and I got ill. It turned out to be strep throat for us adults and Scarlet Fever (basically strep throat plus a full body rash and strawberry tongue) for Gianluca. Our fevers were so high that both Gianluca and I were hallucinating.

And now we must rest a lot, watch lots of movies and sleep...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936
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I first read this poem when I was a child, maybe 10 years old. I cried when I read it.

I've been thinking a lot of this poem this past month. Gisele's surgery was scheduled for next week and I've been calm and peaceful most days. My dad's birthday was also this month and usually I get really down because I miss him so much.

The last couple of weeks, I keep thinking how light and protected I have felt. This poem keeps flashing in my mind, because I realize I'm feeling carried.

The surgery has been postponed to the next few weeks because Gisele developed a high fever yesterday. She's slowly recovering and we'll visit the surgery another day. All will be well.

I started Poppy Wise two years ago. I thought it would be a light and fun place to record our days. Instead it has been a place for me to unravel and examine my life. It's interesting to me that no matter how much I want to write about our trip to the beach or the handmade presents I made for the children, I'm constantly compelled to write about things that I feel on a deeper level. Maybe the unravelling workshop I'm taking next month is something I really need to do...

My Sweet Valentine

Thank you for always being my friend.

Thank you for loving me, supporting me and caring deeply about me.

Thank you for growing with me, asking questions and always learning.

Thank you for being daring, adventurous and fun.

Thank you for being an amazing father to our children.

Thank you for forgiving me when I am not nice.

Thank you for making me laugh, making me think and helping me believe in good things.

I love you.

2011

My intentions for 2011 are to focus on Joy and to my connections to the people I love. I've been on quite the journey with this weblog. Just a handful of posts that act as touchstones to what I've been feeling and what I have learned. This journey has brought me to a place where I feel restful most days and even most moments. When I consider how I began from such a place of fear, it is heartening to realize how courageous I'm becoming. What I know is I want more of this. More mindfulness, gentleness, generosity, courageousness, compassion, connection and wholeheartedness.

Last week I saw this amazing TED Talk by Brene Brown that talked about wholeheartedness. She tells us that the word courage originated from the latin word 'cour' meaning heart. The original definition for courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. For me, this is what this space has always been all about.

Her talk is well worth watching. She talks about wholehearted people and the qualities that they share - the courage to be imperfect, compassion to be kind to themselves and others, the ability to connect to others and the willingness to embrace vulnerability because they know what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. Brene also tells us that vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

To open my heart and be vulnerable. To practice gratitude and lean into joy. To connect. This is my intention for this new year.