My dad would have been 67 today. He left us at 57. I miss him. I wish I was more like him.
He was an amazing parent. The children in our family adored him - me, my brothers, my cousins. He had a huge heart. He made us feel loved and special. One beautiful ability he had was to let me be all stressed, worried and agitated and not take on any of those emotions himself. He remained calm and lighthearted and I would eventually breathe in some of his calmness and become peaceful myself. I wish I knew how to do this better with my own children. I wish my dad was around to help me learn. I tend to soak in my children's hurt, worry and agitation and make it my own. When I do this, there is no safe place for any of us to go to.
I'm getting better at it, but I wish I could ask him how he managed to do to it so gracefully for my entire life.
He was the most special person in my world. He was my safe place.
My cousin wrote him this poem in the last days of his life. He was trying to find a way to deal with the grief of losing his uncle. Dad was weak from lung cancer and couldn't read the poem himself. We took turns reading it because we couldn't manage more than a few words each, before we soaked in the sadness and hurt of losing him and lost our voices in our tears.
For the one that matters most
What you mean to me I have never been able to say
And I probably won't even be able to write
But having any thoughts of losing you makes me very weak
And I know you wouldn't want that
So God and I have decided to do magic
And I'm going to keep you with me always
And I will never lose you
I want to tell you my God's name
His name is Truth
And I believe He is out there
I think He hides a lot
And sometimes He stands right in front of you
And you don't even see Him
If I know He is there
I know I can find Him
I will always try to see His ways
And I will always try to figure Him out
It's a game of hide and seek
And one day I hope to catch Him
Since He is my God no one can take Him away from me
And if I hold Him close to me
He will never go far
Someone might think me wrong
But that is no matter I still believe
You told me to go see John because he will change my life
But my life has already been changed by you
You say John has clear vision
And he sees things in a different light
But what I get from you is much more important
Than what he could give me
And that's love
You are the most special person in my family
And in times of darkness when I need to see clearly
You are my flashlight
I am a better person because I know you
And I am stronger because I love you
I think about you more than you know
And I love you more than you know
And I needed you to know that
Our time on this planet might not be forever
But your time in my heart is forever
Thank you dad for being who you were. Thank you for filling my life with so much happiness, that I still have so much left over even though you're not with me. When I walk by Gianluca or Gisele and kiss them on the head and whisper a blessing, I remember all the times you did that to me. Whether I was 3 or 23. When they walk into the room and my whole being shines with love, I remember walking into the room and you shining with love when you saw me. You made me feel cherished. You made us all feel cherished. Every time I do something to help someone else, I remember you telling me that it's the secret to happiness. Sometimes I feel like you're living through me when I parent the children. When I put my hands on their beautiful faces, I see your beautiful hands. When I make them laugh, I hear you laughing with us. I remember all the laughter you brought into our lives.
I hope I'm able to fill my children's lives with as much love and magic as you filled my life with.
I will always, always, always love you.
