Growing

A few days ago Gisele had her 4th febrile convulsion. I thought she had grown out of them, since it had been almost 2 years since her last one. Her febrile convulsions had crippled me emotionally as a mother. I was fearful of everything, especially of losing her or her brother. When she later developed strabismus, it was enough to push me over the edge. I was seriously depressed and often spent parts of the day in tears, afraid that I would outlive my children.

And then most of last year was spent in prayer and meditation. Often times late into the night. I asked to be strong again - full of faith and trust in the universe. I asked for help to change my perspective. I wanted perfection, and I was so busy with following that dream, that I could not enjoy what was right in front of me. Two wonderfully healthy delicious children that I got to spend all my days with. An amazing life partner that was always there holding my hand and whispering that it would all be okay.

I went to therapy and talked about my anxieties and fears. I talked to Graham, to my mom and brothers, to my family and friends, to my neighbours, to strangers. I read books that inspired me and I continued praying and meditating. I knew I still needed a big emotional boost so I went back home to Canada to let my mom, family and friends take care of me. And they did.

Now I feel strong. I continue to pray and meditate, but more importantly be grateful for all our blessings. I know I am healthy and I know that our children are healthy. Last week when Gisele had her convulsion, I knew she would be okay. We would all be okay. I would not fall apart and I would be a good mother. And I am.

Imagination

Gianluca is fascinated with Spiderman and trying to figure out how to walk on walls. He's tried using spit, gobs of scotch tape, anything sticky really, and has even asked for glue, but both Graham and I have been uncooperative with that one.

And then last week he made a discovery underneath a bridge in the center of the city that has made his spiderman dreams come true.

We went to the Volkenkunde Museum to see the Waka (a Maori canoe) set sail. Maori artists had been carving the Waka this summer out of a single kauri tree, which was about 700 years old. We had visited them several times to just watch them work. So we were excited to see the Waka set sail. When we got there, it was incredibly crowded. We found a spot across the water just underneath the bridge and settled in with some good friends.

When Gianluca saw the wall underneath the bridge, his face spread into an enormous smile. His eyes got big and he looked like he was going to explode with excitement. It was curved - you could walk on it and even run on it. You could run up high, or run really fast down below. I was less excited, since down below was the water, but Gianluca had found another magical spot in Leiden.

And whenever his eyes twinkle and see him break out into a spontaneous smile, I sort of suspect he's waiting for his next trip down to the curved wall underneath the bridge.

My mirror...

Our little girl just turned 4. She is beautiful and magical and so completely honest. She loves being the center of attention and loves to charm people. When things don't go her way, she reacts immediately to 'correct' the situation. Mostly she is happy spending her time playing with her brother, her friends, and us, spending hours in imaginary worlds. She is affectionate and cares deeply about those in her life. Once in a while she decides things must be a certain way and goes full speed ahead, ignoring all requests to stop. She celebrated her birthday by breaking a glass (by accident), pouring water and soap over the bathroom floor, insisting that Gianluca did absolutely everything that she asked because it was her birthday after all, and then drawing all over the table with her crayons. At that point, I lost my patience and threatened to draw with crayons all over her pretty dresses and her new pink crown that I had just lovingly hand made for her. She looked at me thoughtfully and tilted her head and said, 'you know Mama, you're being just like the stepsisters (from Cinderalla)'. And I was. I love that she is always, always my mirror. Whenever I am off course, she gently nudges me back.

Razzle Dazzle

Last year when all the children went back to school, I did not do a very good job of making the adjustment easy for Gianluca. We cuddled and did lots of trips and activities together, but nothing was really spectacular enough. He missed the friends that he had played with all summer. He did not want to go to school, but he did want all those friends to stop going to school ;)

As the year went on, it became easier and he got used to being one of the only 4 year olds in the city that did not go to school. During the morning hours he would play with me and his sister and sometimes other home learners, and in the afternoon he would play with his school friends. By the time we became official home learners in January, we had worked out a much better rhythm. Then we went to Canada and discovered the importance of the spectacular - winter festivals at night on frozen lakes, Olympic event parties with family and friends, swimming with Papa in downtown Vancouver with the mountains and ocean behind them.

This year when school started, Graham and I were ready with all sorts of razzle dazzle ideas that the children loved. We went all out and visited the coolest places and participated in some fantastic activities. Heaps of new places, that we had never been to before. Gianluca wanted to play sports with friends, continue with the Boy Scouts and learn how to swim and rollerblade. We did our best to make all this possible, even turning the living/dining room into an indoor rollerblading arena for 10 days while our downstairs neighbour was away on holiday. The children both wished there were some other children to play with during the days, so we started a group called Leiden Young Home Learners and we meet once a week to do an activity and play together.

As I become more experienced with unschooling, I realize how important it is to our relationship that I really listen to my children - their words, their silences, their body language and facial expressions. I have to continually work at becoming a better partner to them and making better choices. But this is one of the many reasons we chose to unschool...

p.s. for the best source I know on how to unschool, read the Always Learning yahoo group.

Forever and a half

It's been forever and a half since I last posted and I really miss this space. So much has happened, and I would venture to say all of it has been good. Me thinks that is why it has taken me so long to post again. Last year was all about learning how to breathe again, but this year I seemed to have remembered. It took lots of hard work from lots of people that love me. Mostly my sweet, sweet, sweet mom, who I went over the ocean to visit for three months. She let me be a teenager again, while she was the responsible one making the meals and keeping the house neat and tidy. I felt more like my children's older sister who got to do all the fun stuff with them, while my mom planned the meals, cooked and cleaned. Bless her.

I had a wonderful trip back home. I visited friends, family, went on lots of dates with Graham, hung out with my brothers and cousins, went to my baby cousin's wedding, took workshops, took out every book from the library (they were all in English and about homeschooling, who can blame me?), went shopping, watched the Olympics while Canada won gold after gold (hockey - men's and women's!!!), went to the Rockies, played board games and went to movies. Lots of things that I didn't take the time to do while I was living in panic mode last year. The children loved being surrounded by so much family and love and they absolutely loved being spoiled by everyone. The cars and extensive driving they could have done without. Gianluca especially had an issue with the cars, and wanted nothing to do with Canada when we returned back home. Although now he's been asking to go back for his birthday ;)

It's been five months since I came back home to Leiden, but I'm still flourishing from all the love from everyone back home.

Our outside space

We bought this little home of ours in the summer of 2003. I fell in love with it right away. It had big windows with warm sunshine pouring in and I could imagine our children laughing and playing in the different rooms. It had enough space for family and friends to come visit and for us to fit in our few belongings. The house had much of what we were looking for, but there was no outside space. Instead it had wide streets and a beautiful park at the end of the road. The park was alive - gorgeous old trees that gracefully touched the water, wide open spaces to play hide and seek and the chance to sit at the water's edge and dream.

In the last years, the park has become our outside space. We walk or bike there nearly every day, often on our way to somewhere else and often just to spend some playful moments there. For a few days this month the singel (Dutch for canal) was frozen and we tried to learn how to skate, we played hockey, we gave each other sleigh rides. In the spring, as the park begins to bloom, we watch the ducklings follow their mamas everywhere. The summer is for lazy days, picnics and ball games. And the autumn is for the collecting, crunching, throwing, piling and dancing of leaves, leaves and more beautiful leaves.

I am grateful for this beautiful space and for all the moments I get to spend in here with my family. I have watched my children grow up in the nooks and crannies of the park. I have memories of them learning to crawl, blow bubbles, climb trees and skate. The park has been here long before me and I suspect it will be here long after I'm gone. I am especially grateful that when our children are grown and have children of their own, Graham and I can still walk hand in hand through the park and remember all these times.

2010!

I received this happy note from the universe right before we left for a little winter holiday with friends:

I've got a feeling, Rippy, that 2010 is going to be your kind of year. That you'll be happier than you've ever been, laughing harder, smiling wider, standing taller, walking lighter, dancing crazier, hugging longer, living grander, loving louder, and if you want, selling the pictures to a tabloid to raise money for your new charity.
Can you feel it, too?
The Universe


It's going to be an amazing year. The Universe told me so.

Woohoo!!!