Forever and a half

It's been forever and a half since I last posted and I really miss this space. So much has happened, and I would venture to say all of it has been good. Me thinks that is why it has taken me so long to post again. Last year was all about learning how to breathe again, but this year I seemed to have remembered. It took lots of hard work from lots of people that love me. Mostly my sweet, sweet, sweet mom, who I went over the ocean to visit for three months. She let me be a teenager again, while she was the responsible one making the meals and keeping the house neat and tidy. I felt more like my children's older sister who got to do all the fun stuff with them, while my mom planned the meals, cooked and cleaned. Bless her.

I had a wonderful trip back home. I visited friends, family, went on lots of dates with Graham, hung out with my brothers and cousins, went to my baby cousin's wedding, took workshops, took out every book from the library (they were all in English and about homeschooling, who can blame me?), went shopping, watched the Olympics while Canada won gold after gold (hockey - men's and women's!!!), went to the Rockies, played board games and went to movies. Lots of things that I didn't take the time to do while I was living in panic mode last year. The children loved being surrounded by so much family and love and they absolutely loved being spoiled by everyone. The cars and extensive driving they could have done without. Gianluca especially had an issue with the cars, and wanted nothing to do with Canada when we returned back home. Although now he's been asking to go back for his birthday ;)

It's been five months since I came back home to Leiden, but I'm still flourishing from all the love from everyone back home.

Our outside space

We bought this little home of ours in the summer of 2003. I fell in love with it right away. It had big windows with warm sunshine pouring in and I could imagine our children laughing and playing in the different rooms. It had enough space for family and friends to come visit and for us to fit in our few belongings. The house had much of what we were looking for, but there was no outside space. Instead it had wide streets and a beautiful park at the end of the road. The park was alive - gorgeous old trees that gracefully touched the water, wide open spaces to play hide and seek and the chance to sit at the water's edge and dream.

In the last years, the park has become our outside space. We walk or bike there nearly every day, often on our way to somewhere else and often just to spend some playful moments there. For a few days this month the singel (Dutch for canal) was frozen and we tried to learn how to skate, we played hockey, we gave each other sleigh rides. In the spring, as the park begins to bloom, we watch the ducklings follow their mamas everywhere. The summer is for lazy days, picnics and ball games. And the autumn is for the collecting, crunching, throwing, piling and dancing of leaves, leaves and more beautiful leaves.

I am grateful for this beautiful space and for all the moments I get to spend in here with my family. I have watched my children grow up in the nooks and crannies of the park. I have memories of them learning to crawl, blow bubbles, climb trees and skate. The park has been here long before me and I suspect it will be here long after I'm gone. I am especially grateful that when our children are grown and have children of their own, Graham and I can still walk hand in hand through the park and remember all these times.

2010!

I received this happy note from the universe right before we left for a little winter holiday with friends:

I've got a feeling, Rippy, that 2010 is going to be your kind of year. That you'll be happier than you've ever been, laughing harder, smiling wider, standing taller, walking lighter, dancing crazier, hugging longer, living grander, loving louder, and if you want, selling the pictures to a tabloid to raise money for your new charity.
Can you feel it, too?
The Universe


It's going to be an amazing year. The Universe told me so.

Woohoo!!!

2009

I'm not even sure where 2009 has gone. It has been a whirlwind year for me - so much beauty and goodness swirling all around me while I try to find my balance and face my fears with grace. This has often been a struggle. It has been a year of learning, growing, expanding, trusting. It is a year I never would have had if Gisele did not have strabismus. For this I am grateful.

I was so frequently thrown off center. I had to reconnect with the deepest and truest part of me to stay breathing and being a mama and a wife. I meditated to feel the power of the universe that resides within all of us. I meditated to remember who I truly am and to imagine what I can be.

I have made my world smaller and deeper. I have focused my energy on my family and a handful of friends that I'm not sure how I ever did without. I have made deeper connections with my community. I have embraced a simple life - of love, of learning and being pulled towards the divine.

My people have all grown so much as well. Graham is in a completely different place - he goes to work each day with purpose and dedication, convinced that he will make a difference in people's lives. He has learned that by not eating certain foods, he can make himself stronger, wiser and kinder and tries to make this his daily practice. Gianluca is growing confident and secure. He amazes us with his curiosity, his funny stories and the love he has for his family. And Gisele - she is a little bundle of love and fun. Her favourite discussion is how she will grow us more people to love: sisters for me, Graham and herself and a brother for Gianluca. She also wants to grow a Papa for me because my Papa is with God. These children are magic.

And the world outside is magic as well. The rooftops, streets and gardens are covered with snow. Graham has taken the children outside to toboggan on the hills and I'm on a mission to sew my children pajama bottoms. If you are reading this, you might want to send a prayer or two my way, since Gisele's pajama bottoms somehow have ended up a couple of sizes larger than her older brothers...

Merry Christmas

For as long as I can remember, I've had an intensely personal relationship with God/the Universe/the divine. I never remember a time where God did not exist in my life. I have always felt loved, protected and special because of this relationship. My mom taught me the Sikh prayers and we did them just before I went to sleep. I found them comforting, but not necessary because my conversations with God were so much more fantastical than the prayers that I did not understand. When I got older and understood the meaning of the prayers, their beauty took my breath away. But when I was young, I only needed my thoughts and stories to engage with the divine.

Now I listen to my children talk about God and I love how their relationship with 'God' grows. Gisele wakes me up in the middle of the night to share with me her conversations with God. Last night it was apparently Meneer van Assen's birthday. Meneer van Assen was our elderly neighbour that passed away this past summer. He was a lovely soul and was so kind with the neighbourhood children. We attended his funeral and the children love remembering him. Last night, at about 3:30am, Gisele woke me up to tell me what he was doing and how he was celebrating his birthday with God. I believe there was ice cream. She also says her children, Coollah and Shamiz, have been visiting God and will be staying there for a while for a play date. Nanu (my father who passed away before both of my children were born) is a constant feature in her stories and questions about God.

Gianluca seems to be in a bit of a competition with God. He asks me who I think loves me the most. I tell him that I think God is pure love energy and God loves everyone the most. He disagrees and tells me that HE loves me more than God does and even if HE is mad at me, HE still loves me more than God could ever love me. I'm happy with either scenario.

There will be lots of stories about God, Jesus and angels today while we celebrate this special day. Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas.

A Million Little Miracles

Well, that's how it seems. Since learning about Gisele's strabismus, we have had such synchronicity in our lives. Some doors close, many windows open. It is not an easy journey when you decide to look beyond the doctor's recommended course of action. Graham and I have been researching more holistic ways to treat strabismus, since surgery is not always adequate. It is difficult to find sources, but after intensive digging, we found some promising leads. So promising, in fact, that we have already learned some ways in which to realign her eyes most days. Three weeks after her last appointment, the doctors have now changed their initial diagnosis (surgery) and said they would rather 'wait and see' what happens with her. Most excellent.

The new people that have come into our lives have also been such a blessing. New friends, but ones that make me feel that I've known them forever. There are more than 6.7 billion people walking this planet, yet so many of my kindred spirits seem to find me. And their book collections. I haven't yet gone into my deep love (addiction?) for books, but I find in the last few years my good friends come with all these amazing books that they are more than happy to share. 

Many of them seem to have remarkable culinary talents as well. This is something new to me. My newest friend, V, informed me she is happiest when she gets to spend 4 hours in the kitchen and 4 hours outside in nature. Wow. Now that is love. And I aspire to be like her. But this aspiration has been quite recent.

Only since I have had children have I had the desire to become skilled in the culinary arts. Sadly, the ancient skill of my ancestors - roti making - seems to have skipped a generation with me. It completely stresses me out and leads to much chaos and confusion in my kitchen. The children, however, couldn't be happier when they get out their walanas and atta (Punjabi for rolling pins and flour). Their Nanima (grandmom) has apparently taught them all the steps, and they are delighted when I make a mistake in the official procedure, so they can correct me. 

Friends, new and old, and these magical children who love to make rotis all part of my million little miracles.

Giving Chi of Love to fear

This is my vision board. It helps me to remember who I am when I feel fear set in. A few weeks ago I noticed Gisele's eye turning inward in the mornings. Her eye would always correct itself after an hour or so, but then last month she had a few days where it stayed inward for most of the day. I love my children so much and want them to be happy and healthy and any time visits to the hospital are required, I tend to despair. The doctor diagnosed her with strabismus and informed us that she would most likely need surgery. 

Quite a few days after this were spent with me being paralyzed with fear of the unknown. But then one evening I asked Graham to make a vision book with me. We put pictures of all of us in the book and wrote down all the words you see above. It gave me great comfort and strength. I have been praying a lot, meditating, breathing, trying to stay in the now. I have been reconnecting with Sikhism and falling in love with my beautiful religion all over again. 

I feel like Graham and I are on a journey where we are growing, expanding, and connecting more to who we truly are. It is a beautiful journey and our children are often the catalyst. 

When I fall back into my old way of being - where I can think of little else than fear, I have been giving chi of love to that fear. At first I tried to be present with my fears in my thoughts and let them know that I loved them. It did not really work for me. All I felt was more fear. So I decided to talk out loud to my fears and said that I loved them and that I respected that they were trying to protect me, but I would be listening to some of my other emotions as well. And then I felt a shift happening, my energy changing, feeling more love. I feel braver, less inclined to hide and more inclined to really live life and trust the universe.

By the way, I've decided to get labels for the children's clothing: Chi of Love Dusseldorp. I'm in awe that osmosis works with words. All those times when I was studying for an exam and I would put the book on my head, it was working on some level. I knew it!