Scarlet Fever

What a beautiful name for something not so beautiful. We've all been ill this week. Gianluca and I are on antibiotics, but I still feel unwell and have an unrelenting cough and a muscle cramp from all that coughing. Gisele had a high fever, and as soon as she was better, Gianluca developed a high fever. Before he had a chance to recover, both Graham and I got ill. It turned out to be strep throat for us adults and Scarlet Fever (basically strep throat plus a full body rash and strawberry tongue) for Gianluca. Our fevers were so high that both Gianluca and I were hallucinating.

And now we must rest a lot, watch lots of movies and sleep...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936
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I first read this poem when I was a child, maybe 10 years old. I cried when I read it.

I've been thinking a lot of this poem this past month. Gisele's surgery was scheduled for next week and I've been calm and peaceful most days. My dad's birthday was also this month and usually I get really down because I miss him so much.

The last couple of weeks, I keep thinking how light and protected I have felt. This poem keeps flashing in my mind, because I realize I'm feeling carried.

The surgery has been postponed to the next few weeks because Gisele developed a high fever yesterday. She's slowly recovering and we'll visit the surgery another day. All will be well.

I started Poppy Wise two years ago. I thought it would be a light and fun place to record our days. Instead it has been a place for me to unravel and examine my life. It's interesting to me that no matter how much I want to write about our trip to the beach or the handmade presents I made for the children, I'm constantly compelled to write about things that I feel on a deeper level. Maybe the unravelling workshop I'm taking next month is something I really need to do...

My Sweet Valentine

Thank you for always being my friend.

Thank you for loving me, supporting me and caring deeply about me.

Thank you for growing with me, asking questions and always learning.

Thank you for being daring, adventurous and fun.

Thank you for being an amazing father to our children.

Thank you for forgiving me when I am not nice.

Thank you for making me laugh, making me think and helping me believe in good things.

I love you.

2011

My intentions for 2011 are to focus on Joy and to my connections to the people I love. I've been on quite the journey with this weblog. Just a handful of posts that act as touchstones to what I've been feeling and what I have learned. This journey has brought me to a place where I feel restful most days and even most moments. When I consider how I began from such a place of fear, it is heartening to realize how courageous I'm becoming. What I know is I want more of this. More mindfulness, gentleness, generosity, courageousness, compassion, connection and wholeheartedness.

Last week I saw this amazing TED Talk by Brene Brown that talked about wholeheartedness. She tells us that the word courage originated from the latin word 'cour' meaning heart. The original definition for courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. For me, this is what this space has always been all about.

Her talk is well worth watching. She talks about wholehearted people and the qualities that they share - the courage to be imperfect, compassion to be kind to themselves and others, the ability to connect to others and the willingness to embrace vulnerability because they know what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. Brene also tells us that vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

To open my heart and be vulnerable. To practice gratitude and lean into joy. To connect. This is my intention for this new year.

Growing

A few days ago Gisele had her 4th febrile convulsion. I thought she had grown out of them, since it had been almost 2 years since her last one. Her febrile convulsions had crippled me emotionally as a mother. I was fearful of everything, especially of losing her or her brother. When she later developed strabismus, it was enough to push me over the edge. I was seriously depressed and often spent parts of the day in tears, afraid that I would outlive my children.

And then most of last year was spent in prayer and meditation. Often times late into the night. I asked to be strong again - full of faith and trust in the universe. I asked for help to change my perspective. I wanted perfection, and I was so busy with following that dream, that I could not enjoy what was right in front of me. Two wonderfully healthy delicious children that I got to spend all my days with. An amazing life partner that was always there holding my hand and whispering that it would all be okay.

I went to therapy and talked about my anxieties and fears. I talked to Graham, to my mom and brothers, to my family and friends, to my neighbours, to strangers. I read books that inspired me and I continued praying and meditating. I knew I still needed a big emotional boost so I went back home to Canada to let my mom, family and friends take care of me. And they did.

Now I feel strong. I continue to pray and meditate, but more importantly be grateful for all our blessings. I know I am healthy and I know that our children are healthy. Last week when Gisele had her convulsion, I knew she would be okay. We would all be okay. I would not fall apart and I would be a good mother. And I am.

Imagination

Gianluca is fascinated with Spiderman and trying to figure out how to walk on walls. He's tried using spit, gobs of scotch tape, anything sticky really, and has even asked for glue, but both Graham and I have been uncooperative with that one.

And then last week he made a discovery underneath a bridge in the center of the city that has made his spiderman dreams come true.

We went to the Volkenkunde Museum to see the Waka (a Maori canoe) set sail. Maori artists had been carving the Waka this summer out of a single kauri tree, which was about 700 years old. We had visited them several times to just watch them work. So we were excited to see the Waka set sail. When we got there, it was incredibly crowded. We found a spot across the water just underneath the bridge and settled in with some good friends.

When Gianluca saw the wall underneath the bridge, his face spread into an enormous smile. His eyes got big and he looked like he was going to explode with excitement. It was curved - you could walk on it and even run on it. You could run up high, or run really fast down below. I was less excited, since down below was the water, but Gianluca had found another magical spot in Leiden.

And whenever his eyes twinkle and see him break out into a spontaneous smile, I sort of suspect he's waiting for his next trip down to the curved wall underneath the bridge.

My mirror...

Our little girl just turned 4. She is beautiful and magical and so completely honest. She loves being the center of attention and loves to charm people. When things don't go her way, she reacts immediately to 'correct' the situation. Mostly she is happy spending her time playing with her brother, her friends, and us, spending hours in imaginary worlds. She is affectionate and cares deeply about those in her life. Once in a while she decides things must be a certain way and goes full speed ahead, ignoring all requests to stop. She celebrated her birthday by breaking a glass (by accident), pouring water and soap over the bathroom floor, insisting that Gianluca did absolutely everything that she asked because it was her birthday after all, and then drawing all over the table with her crayons. At that point, I lost my patience and threatened to draw with crayons all over her pretty dresses and her new pink crown that I had just lovingly hand made for her. She looked at me thoughtfully and tilted her head and said, 'you know Mama, you're being just like the stepsisters (from Cinderalla)'. And I was. I love that she is always, always my mirror. Whenever I am off course, she gently nudges me back.