Growing

A few days ago Gisele had her 4th febrile convulsion. I thought she had grown out of them, since it had been almost 2 years since her last one. Her febrile convulsions had crippled me emotionally as a mother. I was fearful of everything, especially of losing her or her brother. When she later developed strabismus, it was enough to push me over the edge. I was seriously depressed and often spent parts of the day in tears, afraid that I would outlive my children.

And then most of last year was spent in prayer and meditation. Often times late into the night. I asked to be strong again - full of faith and trust in the universe. I asked for help to change my perspective. I wanted perfection, and I was so busy with following that dream, that I could not enjoy what was right in front of me. Two wonderfully healthy delicious children that I got to spend all my days with. An amazing life partner that was always there holding my hand and whispering that it would all be okay.

I went to therapy and talked about my anxieties and fears. I talked to Graham, to my mom and brothers, to my family and friends, to my neighbours, to strangers. I read books that inspired me and I continued praying and meditating. I knew I still needed a big emotional boost so I went back home to Canada to let my mom, family and friends take care of me. And they did.

Now I feel strong. I continue to pray and meditate, but more importantly be grateful for all our blessings. I know I am healthy and I know that our children are healthy. Last week when Gisele had her convulsion, I knew she would be okay. We would all be okay. I would not fall apart and I would be a good mother. And I am.